The Old Bean Takes a Beating

If I had beads of condensed thought trickling down my face, I’d be standing in a pool of confusion. I was a limp noodle. Elton, with his head under my right shoulder, was trying valiantly not to buckle under half of my enormous bodyweight. Zoheb on the other hand, did it effortlessly as we inched closer to home. Faru marched ahead of us, screaming at anyone who stood in the way. She was quite a screamer. My mind had sprouted arms and legs and was now doing cartwheels inside my head. I longed for tomato soup. I tried to voice this sudden craving but no words came out. Faru, as if on cue, looked into my vacuous eyes and said everything was going to be alright. So we went on, my brain feeling like a severely tossed salad and my rubbery feet dragging behind me. My memory of what happened next is a tad sketchy but after hearing a detailed account from Faru, I have been able to reconstruct most of what happened that day. I shall begin at the beginning.

I was fifteen and school was boring for the most part. Being tall and conspicuously rotund, I was always asked to move to the last row of desks to let the smaller kids see better. The last row was home to a veritable group of freaks and emo kids. Elton, being one of the smaller kids, occupied a front row desk. He was a nimble-footed soccer fiend. His screensaver was a photograph of some soccer player I’d seen in a ridiculously dim-witted toothpaste advertisement. He also knew more about constellations and galaxies than anyone else I knew; except Faru. Zoheb was a year older than me and Elton. He had one of those shy cowboy smiles that you read about in books and he was so funny you’d have to change your pants after hearing one of his stories. He was over six feet tall and every girl in school held a candle burning brightly for him in her heart. Faru teased him relentlessly about this and Zoheb never had a satisfactory comeback against his champion little sister. Faru was a walking, talking melting pot of intelligent and sometimes wonderfully weird ideas. She had doe-like eyes that brightened every time she learned something she didn’t know before. It was because of the way her eyes became flying saucer-like upon gaining new information and because of her extraordinary knowledge of celestial bodies that Elton called her ‘E.T.’

That particular day, I found myself sitting next to Sam Thomas. It was Geography class and I was on the verge of slipping into a deep coma. Sam was bent over his desk, scribbling furiously on it. When he was done, he sat back in his chair, a triumphant ‘you can’t see what I can see’ look in his eyes. I glanced over at his desk. It was a proud declaration. “I am a dark element woven into the soft fabric of society by an untamed hand”, it said in bold letters. I rolled my eyes and immersed myself into Nicaragua’s farming developments.

By the time school was out I was feeling like someone had notoriously attached a straw to my head and had sucked out all my energy. I was sapped. Elton was usually the first one to bolt out of class. He had a bladder problem but always found some excuse to cover it up. I had reached the school yard when I heard someone scream exactly what every schoolboy wants to hear at the end of a tiring day. “Fight in the school yard!” someone said with boundless exuberance. I spiritedly pushed my way through the crowd that had formed itself around the skirmish till I reached the center. My excitement quickly gave way to utter dismay.

It was Elton. Two strapping older boys had made up their minds to introduce him to the business ends of their shoes. Now, Elton possessed a number of desirable qualities but giving someone the old one-two wasn’t one of them. I quickly ran to his side, ready for action. They didn’t wait. The bigger one launched himself at me, an infernally wretched look on his face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Elton swinging his fists madly. Acting surprisingly swiftly for someone my size I lifted my knee and connected it with the boy’s abdomen. He doubled up in pain. I had finished doing a number on him and had half turned when the other boy gave me a sudden violent shove. That’s when things went wrong. I struggled to find my balance and realized that I was going to fall. What I didn’t know was, a solid three inch wooden cricket bat had parked itself on the ground. The last thing I saw before my head hit the sturdy willow was Faru screaming and Zoheb running at full pace toward me. The look on his face told me that the two aggressors would soon bite the dust. Then I was out like a light.

When I came to, I was being supported by a determined Zoheb and a hopelessly struggling Elton. I was a confounded troll. I tried to stand on my feet but they seemed to be made of lead. The trek home took an eternity. Faru reluctantly rang the doorbell. The door opened and there stood my mother, spatula in hand and flour on her forehead. It took her one full minute to register the state I was in. That comforted me because for that one whole minute I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t speak. Then she dropped the spatula. Much crying, cursing and hysterical praying ensued. I was somehow transported to the bed and the doctor was called. The good doctor, after a thorough inspection, concluded that it was a concussion and it was only a matter of hours before I’d be able to lift my beastly arms again. I was beginning to come around and saw Faru sitting by my side while Elton and Zoheb tried feebly to explain what had happened to my mother. I looked into Farus eyes and strained the old brain to figure out how I’d ended up here. She put a comforting hand on my forehead and with the other reached for something on the bedside table. When she brought it into my field of vision I felt a rush of affection for her.
It was tomato soup.