When I Really Should've Called The Snake

It sounded like an urgent question. I had the feeling that it wasn't one of those situations where I could go home, feed the snake, call mom, and then think of an answer to the question. It was getting hot under my sweater-vest-robe-suit, but it made me feel like I owned a lot of important things and was allowed to drink. There was nothing in my glass. Hers had water with sugar cubes in it. She seemed oddly drunk for someone who'd only been through one glass of sugared water. It was going to be a long night.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted to call mom.

4 Ways To Tell If Your Dog Is Blind

Have you ever wondered why your pet dog swallows your car keys so often? Ever wondered why it doesn’t go out and play/sniff with all the other dogs? Is your dog a lawyer by day and crime-fighter by night? Well then, your dog just might be blind. Lucky for you, there are ways you can be sure before you get a seeing-eye dog for your pet dog.

1. If Old Buster is blind, he will smell colors and hear grasshoppers tap-dancing from a mile away. Everybody who has seen blind people in movies knows that blindness heightens the other senses. This is also cause for concern because if you wear a loud fluorescent green party shirt and Blind Buster happens to be around, you’re not going to be able to go to that party. Also, he will seek sexual congress with your neighbor’s turtle. Because, you know, he’s blind.

2. He comes home after a long day out in the sun smelling other dogs and barking at foreigners. He bursts in through the front door and heads straight for the bathroom. He nudges at the bathroom door until it opens and casually climbs over the toilet for a drink of water. Of course, you’re not too happy about this because you happen to be on that very same toilet seat, with your dog’s face right up in your fun zone. Invest in a pair of dark sunglasses and a walking stick.

3. It’s just you and your canine friend on a park bench, in… well… a park. It’s idyllic. Trees are gently swaying in the gentle breeze; birds are gently chirping gentle songs. That’s when you decide that in the park all is gentle and idyllic. Suddenly, your dog stretches a paw out and keeps it there for several minutes. People are staring in your direction. It is autumn but the falling leaves make for dull conversation. How about that strange man making his dog beg for alms? You realize that this makes you look decidedly sinister. You raise a hand to high-five his face, like you do when he doesn’t fetch the paper or barges into the toilet for a drink of water when you’re doing your business but just then, something happens. It starts snowing. Now, you should know that if your dog sticks out its paw and it starts snowing, it is blind. It’s blinder than the blindest bat that ever lived; blinder than that guy who spawned a hundred sons and sent them all to die in a war against five guys and their shepherd friend.

They also made a movie about this. It was about a blind dog who knew when it was going to snow. There was some other unimportant stuff too but it was chiefly about the snow thing.

Woof!

4. Buster plays the piano really well. Also, he has drug problems and somebody is going to make a movie about his life very soon.

The Best Excuse

I don’t have writer’s block.

The first step is accepting that you have a problem.

I have writer’s block?

Very good.

Is that when I can’t get it up?

No, that’s Erectile Dysfunction.

That can’t be good.

It seldom is.

I have trouble writing.

Exactly.

Well then, my writer’s block looks like George Clooney holding a candle in his hand, telling me to “calm down”. The magnificent bastard.

How often do you have this dream?

It’s not a dream. I know my writer’s block looks like that. The way a piece of toast sometimes looks like Jesus.

That’s very interesting.

Sometimes he dresses up in a Batman costume. But the candle is always there.

So what do you do?

Has Batman ever appeared to you holding a candle in his hand, telling you to calm down, as you tried to sing a lullaby to one of your patients?

I don’t sing to my patients. But I see your point.

I even bought a Riddler-themed pen but it doesn’t work.

How about Kryptonite?

That’s Superman.

Right.

He’s oddly captivating. Almost as if a very nubile girl were pointing a gun at you in the nude. You wouldn’t know if you wanted to go closer or get the hell out of there.

That’s beautiful.

And—

I’m afraid we’re out of time.

Oh. Well.

Why don’t we talk about this next week?

Sure. That’s your check on the table

Thanks. But wait, you didn’t sign it.

Well.

Well, what?

I have writer’s block.

'stached!

The first thing you’ll notice about any Shatrughan Sinha film is the stellar performance of his moustache. The best moments in his films coincide with his extreme close-up shots. His moustache basks in the glow of its own awesomeness and effortlessly swings from glow-basking to ass-kicking acting. In stark contrast is Ranjeet the Rapist’s fake upper-lip fuzz which looks like a fresh-off-the-boat immigrant who’s been confronted by the grueling task of cleaning bird poop off all the statues in an alien city. In every film it quivers, trembles and shakes. It spends more time being overwhelmed, than being a moustache. Ranjeet’s poser moustache proves the age old adage that so many people in film circles swear by, “When you wear a fake moustache, your character tries to rape the heroine unsuccessfully and then gets put through purgatory by the hero, who sports a real, glorious moustache and also gets the girl (who has a real, glorious moustache of her own)”

Moustache lovers of yore had been known to walk out of Ranjeet’s movies to shed a tear or two by the popcorn machine. In a country whose national sport should really be moustache-growing, Ranjeet’s phony fuzz has caused a lot of outrage and rancor. For many moustacheophiles, wearing a fake moustache is just as heinous an act as being clean-shaven. Ranjeet remains indifferent. While he has vanished from the big screens, he still manages to make appearances on TV shows where he and his fake-mustachioed brethren make merry, shed fake tears, eat fake food, make fake suhagraat love, and give each other real homo-erotic pep talks.

That’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m going to stand outside Ranjeet’s house with a placard that says “It’s grown, not worn :(” I’m going to do it.

For real.

Epic

Weak.