Have you ever wondered why your pet dog swallows your car keys so often? Ever wondered why it doesn’t go out and play/sniff with all the other dogs? Is your dog a lawyer by day and crime-fighter by night? Well then, your dog just might be blind. Lucky for you, there are ways you can be sure before you get a seeing-eye dog for your pet dog.
1. If Old Buster is blind, he will smell colors and hear grasshoppers tap-dancing from a mile away. Everybody who has seen blind people in movies knows that blindness heightens the other senses. This is also cause for concern because if you wear a loud fluorescent green party shirt and Blind Buster happens to be around, you’re not going to be able to go to that party. Also, he will seek sexual congress with your neighbor’s turtle. Because, you know, he’s blind.
2. He comes home after a long day out in the sun smelling other dogs and barking at foreigners. He bursts in through the front door and heads straight for the bathroom. He nudges at the bathroom door until it opens and casually climbs over the toilet for a drink of water. Of course, you’re not too happy about this because you happen to be on that very same toilet seat, with your dog’s face right up in your fun zone. Invest in a pair of dark sunglasses and a walking stick.
3. It’s just you and your canine friend on a park bench, in… well… a park. It’s idyllic. Trees are gently swaying in the gentle breeze; birds are gently chirping gentle songs. That’s when you decide that in the park all is gentle and idyllic. Suddenly, your dog stretches a paw out and keeps it there for several minutes. People are staring in your direction. It is autumn but the falling leaves make for dull conversation. How about that strange man making his dog beg for alms? You realize that this makes you look decidedly sinister. You raise a hand to high-five his face, like you do when he doesn’t fetch the paper or barges into the toilet for a drink of water when you’re doing your business but just then, something happens. It starts snowing. Now, you should know that if your dog sticks out its paw and it starts snowing, it is blind. It’s blinder than the blindest bat that ever lived; blinder than that guy who spawned a hundred sons and sent them all to die in a war against five guys and their shepherd friend.
They also made a movie about this. It was about a blind dog who knew when it was going to snow. There was some other unimportant stuff too but it was chiefly about the snow thing.
4. Buster plays the piano really well. Also, he has drug problems and somebody is going to make a movie about his life very soon.
